"I showered for you"

I never thought that showering would be an event, let alone showering and doing my makeup and hair AND still have my makeup and hair done by the time my husband makes it home by seven. It makes me wonder...

I was watching Kim and Kourtney Kardashian and their beaus the other day, and I couldn't help my surprise at the lack of spark between Kourtney and Scott. Now, I am well aware that it is a reality show and not reality, but Kourtney and Scott face something that I realize many couples with children have. Kourtney put her son
Mason in the número uno spot- and that meant she no longer shared a bed with her beau Scott and was in full time mommy mode. They stopped acting like a couple and were parents.

This leads to my night tonight: I am walking down the stairs with the baby, showered, hair all pretty (and newly dyed), and my makeup done (in my pajamas by the way! So sexy). My husband walked behind us, and I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and said in a accusatory tone, "I showered for you!" I had a smile on my face, but I was a little upset that I wasn't pawed as soon as he entered the front door or greeted with comments such as, "There is the hottest woman I know!". Then my jovial/ slightly serious attitude towards my husband was replaced by horror at myself. When did I ever want a medal for showering? Seriously? It is something I have done religiously since I hit puberty, so why should I be honored?

I guess the lesson I learned tonight is I have to try too. Though I may be in full mommy mode, and I am tired from the day or completely obsessed with the new skill Addie has mastered (like today she has learned to scream angrily - I love it!), I am still a partner to my hubby. And when I want a medal because I showered for him today, I need to remember: he showered for me AND brushed his teeth before slipping me the tongue this morning! Haha!

I am learning that I have to find yet another balance in life. I have to be more like Jerry Seinfeld in the episode where George and Elaine become one another metaphorically, but Jerry learns he will always break even. I don't always have to be the same minx I once was ;) but I don't have to be Donna Reed all the time either.

It is 10:27 and my daughter is in her crib...

Asleep! First time in awhile. Between growth spurts and teeth, Addie is my newest accessory- she never leaves my arms. It is weird not having her in my arms asleep, and if I didn't have two monitors (one video and one Angelcare), I wouldn't be in my bed either. Ironic isn't it? The first night in about two weeks I am sans baby, and I can't sleep.

Ironic seems to sum up my first time mom experiences so far. I am having the most difficulty with what I thought was an easy and well planned choice: staying home for a year. Yet it is the downfall of new mommyhood: staying home for the first time. Though I don't want to go back to work at all, I miss my paycheck. I am overcome with worry and guilt about our money- especially with the Christmas holiday quickly approaching. I planned and saved for this, but as Robert Burns once said, "the best laid plans...."

I truly don't want to return to work, but I feel extremely guilty about staying home. My husband has the weight of the world on his shoulders now, and I feel awful. But the thought of leaving my baby - I just can't fathom that either.

I guess I have the same gripe that many moms face- this world we live in that women before us struggled to create, a world of opportunity and freedoms that many women dream they could have- is not fair. Just because I can be a CEO and make six figures (or a teacher and make five figures), doesn't mean I want to or should have to. Because in the long run, it means I have to pull double duty and choose. That means I can't give all of me to anything, which doesn't seem fair.

I am trying to find a way to stay at home, earn some money, and be a full time mom to my daughter. Maybe it is because my mom wasn't home, or maybe I am unable to be satisfied with the notion of someone else raising my daughter and seeing her firsts- maybe it is both. But we should be able to live in a world or a country where you can choose, because the world we live in now gives me no choice.

I am off my soapbox now. I will try to close my eyes and rest. Hopefully my baby girl will sleep through the night, but if she doesn't that is okay- I miss my favorite accessory.