Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It is 10:27 and my daughter is in her crib...

Asleep! First time in awhile. Between growth spurts and teeth, Addie is my newest accessory- she never leaves my arms. It is weird not having her in my arms asleep, and if I didn't have two monitors (one video and one Angelcare), I wouldn't be in my bed either. Ironic isn't it? The first night in about two weeks I am sans baby, and I can't sleep.

Ironic seems to sum up my first time mom experiences so far. I am having the most difficulty with what I thought was an easy and well planned choice: staying home for a year. Yet it is the downfall of new mommyhood: staying home for the first time. Though I don't want to go back to work at all, I miss my paycheck. I am overcome with worry and guilt about our money- especially with the Christmas holiday quickly approaching. I planned and saved for this, but as Robert Burns once said, "the best laid plans...."

I truly don't want to return to work, but I feel extremely guilty about staying home. My husband has the weight of the world on his shoulders now, and I feel awful. But the thought of leaving my baby - I just can't fathom that either.

I guess I have the same gripe that many moms face- this world we live in that women before us struggled to create, a world of opportunity and freedoms that many women dream they could have- is not fair. Just because I can be a CEO and make six figures (or a teacher and make five figures), doesn't mean I want to or should have to. Because in the long run, it means I have to pull double duty and choose. That means I can't give all of me to anything, which doesn't seem fair.

I am trying to find a way to stay at home, earn some money, and be a full time mom to my daughter. Maybe it is because my mom wasn't home, or maybe I am unable to be satisfied with the notion of someone else raising my daughter and seeing her firsts- maybe it is both. But we should be able to live in a world or a country where you can choose, because the world we live in now gives me no choice.

I am off my soapbox now. I will try to close my eyes and rest. Hopefully my baby girl will sleep through the night, but if she doesn't that is okay- I miss my favorite accessory.

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