"I showered for you"

I never thought that showering would be an event, let alone showering and doing my makeup and hair AND still have my makeup and hair done by the time my husband makes it home by seven. It makes me wonder...

I was watching Kim and Kourtney Kardashian and their beaus the other day, and I couldn't help my surprise at the lack of spark between Kourtney and Scott. Now, I am well aware that it is a reality show and not reality, but Kourtney and Scott face something that I realize many couples with children have. Kourtney put her son
Mason in the número uno spot- and that meant she no longer shared a bed with her beau Scott and was in full time mommy mode. They stopped acting like a couple and were parents.

This leads to my night tonight: I am walking down the stairs with the baby, showered, hair all pretty (and newly dyed), and my makeup done (in my pajamas by the way! So sexy). My husband walked behind us, and I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and said in a accusatory tone, "I showered for you!" I had a smile on my face, but I was a little upset that I wasn't pawed as soon as he entered the front door or greeted with comments such as, "There is the hottest woman I know!". Then my jovial/ slightly serious attitude towards my husband was replaced by horror at myself. When did I ever want a medal for showering? Seriously? It is something I have done religiously since I hit puberty, so why should I be honored?

I guess the lesson I learned tonight is I have to try too. Though I may be in full mommy mode, and I am tired from the day or completely obsessed with the new skill Addie has mastered (like today she has learned to scream angrily - I love it!), I am still a partner to my hubby. And when I want a medal because I showered for him today, I need to remember: he showered for me AND brushed his teeth before slipping me the tongue this morning! Haha!

I am learning that I have to find yet another balance in life. I have to be more like Jerry Seinfeld in the episode where George and Elaine become one another metaphorically, but Jerry learns he will always break even. I don't always have to be the same minx I once was ;) but I don't have to be Donna Reed all the time either.

It is 10:27 and my daughter is in her crib...

Asleep! First time in awhile. Between growth spurts and teeth, Addie is my newest accessory- she never leaves my arms. It is weird not having her in my arms asleep, and if I didn't have two monitors (one video and one Angelcare), I wouldn't be in my bed either. Ironic isn't it? The first night in about two weeks I am sans baby, and I can't sleep.

Ironic seems to sum up my first time mom experiences so far. I am having the most difficulty with what I thought was an easy and well planned choice: staying home for a year. Yet it is the downfall of new mommyhood: staying home for the first time. Though I don't want to go back to work at all, I miss my paycheck. I am overcome with worry and guilt about our money- especially with the Christmas holiday quickly approaching. I planned and saved for this, but as Robert Burns once said, "the best laid plans...."

I truly don't want to return to work, but I feel extremely guilty about staying home. My husband has the weight of the world on his shoulders now, and I feel awful. But the thought of leaving my baby - I just can't fathom that either.

I guess I have the same gripe that many moms face- this world we live in that women before us struggled to create, a world of opportunity and freedoms that many women dream they could have- is not fair. Just because I can be a CEO and make six figures (or a teacher and make five figures), doesn't mean I want to or should have to. Because in the long run, it means I have to pull double duty and choose. That means I can't give all of me to anything, which doesn't seem fair.

I am trying to find a way to stay at home, earn some money, and be a full time mom to my daughter. Maybe it is because my mom wasn't home, or maybe I am unable to be satisfied with the notion of someone else raising my daughter and seeing her firsts- maybe it is both. But we should be able to live in a world or a country where you can choose, because the world we live in now gives me no choice.

I am off my soapbox now. I will try to close my eyes and rest. Hopefully my baby girl will sleep through the night, but if she doesn't that is okay- I miss my favorite accessory.

First Post... and the baby is napping, so I have to make it quick!

Well, my daughter is three months old, and this is the first post I am making on my "FTM" blog.  So that should give you some indication about what the first months have been like!  It has been the most amazing three months of my life and the most challenging.  From the sleep deprivation, to the explosive poop, or realizing that my daughter is just like me in so many ways (and boy are my parents happy about that); I just can't believe that my husband and I thought we were living a life before our little addition.  Really.  I can't believe that I woke up and actually went through the day without her, because I can't imagine that now.

That being said, not all days are daffodils and roses.  There are some days that begin with a scream and end with mommy falling asleep in her clothes from sheer exhaustion.  It is not so much taking care of a little one that tries you, it is taking care of everything else and a little one that tries you.  For example, I never thought I would celebrate the moment I figured out how to go to the bathroom and not have my daughter crying in her crib.  I celebrated it!  (By the way, in case your wondering, the vibrating chair lives in the bathroom.  My daughter loves it and will sit perfectly content in it until I am done showering or peeing or brushing my teeth).

But with every success, there are still hurdles.  I cut my hair (my long long long hair, that needed to be cut, but I should have waited until the postpartum hormones were gone to do so), about six weeks after she was born.  I hated it.  The haircut was great, but I was having haircut remorse.  Silly mommy!  Why lament about something you don't use?  Seriously, the last time I actually had a chance to "do" my hair was the day of her christening.  Otherwise, I am officially a member of the ponytail patrol.

I must run for today because my daughter calls-- and frankly I miss her when she naps!  I guess the gist of my first post as a "first time mom" is that parenting is in one word..... humbling.  Gone are the days that I sat in judgement at the DINK table (double income no kids), and here is to a future of spit-up and those precious smiles that you would gladly cut your hair off for again and again.  (O'Henry knew what he was talking about!)