So I went into work to set things up in my new position. This was my first day since my involuntary transfer. It was awful.
I remember when I was a kid I would often have to walk home from my friends' houses. Most days and some nights, I would go and not think twice about it. My neighborhood felt safe, and I knew almost everyone in my neighborhood. But there were some nights that I would run home. I just felt innately afraid of walking alone. During those walks the neighborhood not only felt foreign but foreboding. I was uncomfortable and unhappy with my pedestrian situation on those nights. I longed for and needed to be home.
That is how I felt today. I had a knot in my stomach on the drive over to the building. I hate the building. It is hot, out of date, and not comfortable. My room was dirty, foreign, and uncomfortable. My daughter cried most of the time we were there- another sign that this is just not the right place for me.
I have been complaining about this transfer from day one because I don't understand why it happened. The only explanation I was given is that I was on leave, so they don't need to give me an explanation. That treatment compounded by the awful treatment I have received since my unwarranted transfer makes me loathe my once beloved job.
So just standing in the building made me upset. To make matters worse, my room was about 93 degrees. I could barely stand it. After only an hour, I had to leave because both my daughter and I were drenched in sweat and her face was flushed.
Nothing about this environment feels good anymore. I am sure the staff is nice, so I don't want to imply that they will be an issue, but nothing else feels like this pairing will be a success. And after the terrible and unprecedented treatment I have received coming back from leave, I have no desire to be a part of this organization any longer.
This is such a different feeling than when I left for my maternity leave. When I left, the last imprint on my mind was a conversation I had with my former HR head. He told me how he always treated the staff with dignity and respect. He tried to be equitable and fair. He tried to be flexible when he could be and informative at all times. This wasn't just out of the kindness of his heart - it was a smart leadership move. He realized that employees who felt heard, respected, and valued will always give their employers 200 percent- no matter how difficult the task. He also realized that employees are people too and have many other responsibilities outside the scope and sequence of their positions. When there is disorder and dysfunction in an employee's personal life, then it is imperative that there is stability in his or her professional life because in the end, the professional will always suffer. He was a smart and savvy leader. He knew that by simply collaborating with and listening to employees as opposed to breaking them down, he would have happy and productive employees. If he worked to "break them," - he would. And the result would be employees who were no longer vested in the organization and contributed the minimum.
Someone forgot to tell the new leadership the secret to success.
I am mad at myself because of this morning. This two hour stint in my temporary cell ruined my spirit and my mood. It just broke me today.
My daughter cried the entire way home and after an hour of listening to her, I cried (sobbed) too. I cried for so many reasons: I felt like I failed her, I hate how I felt at work, I hate that I have to leave her to be at a place I hate, I hate that hate and anger have become the new norms in my vernacular.
I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to do this anymore. Because right now I don't think I can do it. With everything else going on, I am too tired of trying to keep it together when all I want to do is fall apart.
I pray tonight that God give me patience and strength to deal with this situation - even if it is for six weeks- because I am tired of people saying it is only six weeks. If that is the case, switch places with me. But no one would because they would despise it too.
I pray tonight that God take away and help me deal with my anger about all of this. It is not healthy for me, my daughter, my husband, or the twins. I need strength to remember that people are selfish and self-centered. I need to keep those people in my peripheral and not my forefront. I need to remember that I may lay awake at night and think about them, but they do not think of me and my family.
I pray that God help me let go of those who do not want happiness for me and my family. Let go of those who seek to harm us or are indifferent to our moments of joy and our moments of sorrow.
And finally, I pray that God help me be a good mother and wife. Nothing else matters. My family is what brings me happiness. I cannot let the outside world effect how I show my love to them each day.